Saturday, 12 January 2019

Day 10

Saturday! day 10 Yay. I woke up feeling really positive had a lovely lay in! (well needed after a week of school runs) thanks to hubby, I sat in bed with a lovely milky coffee  and read some blogs to keep me determined. Today was a pretty boring day, my new antidepressants are making me so tired but are well needed for now.. Overall i didn't get up to to much! Household chores and listening to bickering kids for most of it! God they moan over everything lol. Baby tearing the house apart while I clean it! Nightmare. I have definitely noticed it's Stressing me a little less than my hungover/drunk self but still stress is stress..i Didnt fancy leaving the house today for them to burn energy though, so it's my own fault. Come the evening I'm thinking alot of the booze my drunk head keeps popping its head in to convince me just weekends will be fine! Can't wait for it to disappear altogether. I tell my self no and head for my evening bath, peace and serenity time. And time to get my thoughts out hoping it will help who knows!  If it's not booze it's choc and coffee taking over! But I know what I would rather this early into my sober journey.. It Does not help Saturday is drinking day ain't it! Well that's what most people aswell as me use as a excuse.. Hopefully getting out tomorrow will take my mind off of it for a while atleast. Wishing myself luck x
Ps if someone ever reads this my keyboard keeps switching its not me I promise lol

Friday, 11 January 2019

Heartbreak from childhood

Welcome to my blog
My names kayla. I wanted somewere I could share my story my thoughts, and to make people who have been through pain like I have that you are not alone, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't see it yet.we'll I'm well and truly hoping anyway.

From a early age I was sexually abused my my uncle for several years. I remember my first drink being vodka in my sunny D bottle at 10 to then rebelling and drinking all the time stealing letting boys use me and using boys.. I suppose just to try and block out all the bad stuff that happened, and the many more bad stuff that did happened through my life. The sexual abuse by my uncle stopped at about 11 and started at 5. I always felt rubbish, worthless and felt like all men was the same. I blamed myself for along long time. At 13 I got my first boyfriend and started drugs and carried on drinking alot, the boyfriend at the time drunk alot and then started being very violent, when I finally decided enough was enough, he fractured both my arms and cracked my head open by chucking me down the stairs.. At 15 I got a older boyfriend 21 I met through friends, everything was going well until he started being controlling even to the point of making me move in at he's aunt and uncles without even speaking to me about it, but I just went along with whatever he wanted young and in love. A Few depressing months and a few violent episodes later, I find out I pregnant at just 16 what a shock. I finally had to give up all the drink but I had something good to focus on. We moved in to a hostel until we got our first flat together, he would drink alot. go off for days sometimes stealing money so I had no food or hurting me when he felt like it. It Didn't matter I was pregnant never did, we got our flat had a beautiful little girl and my depression spiraled out of control, I was constantly thinking everyone was going to hurt my little girl, and hated myself for staying with him so long and letting her see all the pain he put me through. The drinking began again not everyday but it helped me get through the next few years. We relocated to Devon for a fresh start but within two months he was back to he's normal self we split up after the violance got to much after sticking it out for 5 years. he then moved away and I felt a relief straightaway. Although I still was drinking far too much I started going to the pub while my daughter was at school I felt lonely and depressed all the time, and like everything was just spiralling by this point. I was drinking every day. I think deep down it was just to block out every thing I was feeling, keeping everything in all the time is never good but i never felt like I could get help, luckily I met a lovely man online the total oppersit to everyone I had been with before so kind, loving and just everything to me, fast forward few years we got married had two children and life was looking great. Until the drinking kept getting more and more and all them feelings I was blocking out with it was actually making it all so much worse. I was selfishly hurting everyone around me and being a rubbish moody mum and a rubbish wife. Running off for days to drink myself in to a oblivion but still not dealing with any of the reasons why I felt so low and worthless.

I wanted to write my story-well some of it.. I would be here for days if wrote every heartbreak and everytime I said and did something wrong. when I have drunk, before I started my blog and my start to sober life.

Just to say I'm very rubbish at punctuation so if someone ever does try to read then I do apologise. I'm going to say what happened the last time I drunk to remind myself how bad I was and to keep me on my sober path.  So it was the evening before New year's eve 18, started having a few drinks watching a film after a very drunken Christmas I said to myself im stopping the drink after new year's eve. I had it in my head no point trying before that. So two bottles of wine, 4 cans of cider and a few films later.. I had it in my head it's time to party, so off I went to town drunk drunk and drunk some more then wanted more money so at this point nothing would be open other than the garage, so I got a taxi home for cash.. Hubby was furious I don't blame him. so I used that as a excuse and off I went to the train station by this time it was 4am drunk in the hotel oppersit before I caught the first train.. Didn't even know where I was going but drunk and slept for a couple of hours,i ended up in Birmingham from Devon so a long way phone had died so I couldn't call anyone and my hubby had no clue where I was.. It was then a gamble either my friends in Loughborough or aunts in York I opted for friends as it was closest. Got there paraletic.. Then u can guess it i went out drunk drunk drunk some more lost my friends, lost where I was and slept on a doorstep in the cold untill a stranger dropped me at hers at 7am new years day.. Did I stop nope decided to travel hours home have a few more to drink on the way before I quit when I arrive. We'll that's what I thought any way so arrive in Devon about 6pm new years day and what do I do go to the pub again at this point how I'm still alive I don't know, I suppose the 3 day benders were getting more regular, I'm depressed, drunk wondering the streets. I finally get a lift home from the police.. as they have been looking for me since I left that night. .as my poor hubby called them worried..
How embarrassing to say the least my neighbours had all been knocked at by then aswell. I live in a small village so I'm now even more depressed and a tad suicidal and I'm crying when I finally get home obviously very very drunk, he rings a ambulance worried thinking I'm going to kill myself I don't blame him, I'm saying it. I'm just glad my kids wernt there to see it! I get to hospital sit in a cubical with them watching me a hour passes I'm now bored and I do a sneaker runner. I then bunk a taxi with a random homeless man I don't know from adam. And Off to town I go wanting more drink of course my sensible head is unconscious in there somewere but not awake.. By now I've been drinking 3 days with little food and sleep. After shoplifting my last bottle, yep now I'm a theif too. I wish I could be watching the mess I am at that point I'm sat in a alley at 28 years old and a mum of 3, sad, smelly and a mess hiding from the police again after the hospital calling them. But still if I could drink more I would. Why? Because I'm alcoholic and up untill now I've used it for every feeling in my life, happy, sadness and everything else. I use to be able to control it and not quite sure when that stopped, but it did a while ago and after many weeks off and a blip then off again then a massive blipp I'm now here in the gutter Littrelly. letting everyone who loves and cares for me down for a drug that stopped making me happy along long time ago. In the end I get up start walking home with my tail firmly between my legs. On one hand I'm depressed and wishing I could be the happy, good mum and wife know I have in there and on the other still thinking about the bloody drink. I get home cry apologise, cry, sing depressing songs cry some more until i fall in bed finally. I wake up depressed as usual in bed ill, crying with my hubby saying we will get through this. What a gem how this man has stood by me through many, many of these episodes and cycles. Me promising to quit drink then convincing myself just the special occasions, to weekends to every other day. Nearly 8 years he's put up with that, the only time I didn't drink was my pregnancy's. so I've been this messed up a person for 13 out of 28years of my life and god I've been saying I love drink I'm OK. I've had loads of happy occasions, I only mess up occasionally. Ha that is me telling myself that even.. Mistake, mistake after mistake. So here I am again lying in bed promising myself I can't do this to myself, or my family anymore or I'm going to either lose them or die simple.

So I start a fresh pick my self up wash and take myself to my first counciling appointment ever. And promise myself I'm going to get the help and prove to everyone I can do this I can get better. And finally start talking and finally open up that locked closet I held closed for ever. And Deal with my past, my mistakes, and find out who I really am, who is the sober Mrs A as God I have no clue what so ever.

So Ive been strong read a few sobriety books, Mrs D is going with out and Allan carrs easy way. eating many many sweet things to get me through, and I decide I'm going to write a blog for myself to get my thoughts out there for me to read and realise I need and have to be a strong person now.

So here I am on Day 9 of soberity sat in a hot bath, writing this and hoping I find inspiration and strength from reading other people's story's and getting my thoughts down. Wish me luck on my sober journey as if I don't do it now I never will and drink would have lost me everything for my future and my pass. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read, or comment advice appreciated more than u know X